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Norwich's favorite broadcaster takes a light-hearted look at some of the fringe
candidates in the 1997 election.
 
ARMANDO: …It's time, now, to go over to Norwich where our reporter, Alan
Partridge, is standing by with a light item.
ARMANDO: Alan are you there. Where is he? Alan! Alan, can you hear us? Alan,
speak to us! Speak to us now!
Alan: Well thanks, Armando, I'm here at Norwich, town hall. No results as
yet. The tellers here are really quite slow. It really frustrates me, every year,
same old thing, relentless, ergh! Four o'clock and they had no biros, can you believe
that? No biros! Unbelievable. Anyway, the election's all about fun and I'm here
with a couple of the more amusing candidates that have brought a smile to everyones
face. Errm, pull back, got them in?
[turns to man with hat]
 
Alan: First of all, you are Senator Martin Marmite.
Martin: Hello, Alan.
Alan: Hello, I like that business, there. Now, is that anything to do with
the food 'Marmite'?
Martin: Yeah!
Alan: Right, so, so it's basically just a promotion for Marmite?
Martin: Yeah!
Alan: Right. I hate that!
[turns to second man]
Alan: This is… your name is… I've forgotten your name.
Peter: Peter Gibbons.
Alan: Peter Gibbons! And he is a member of… I remember this, it's Mhaaarp.
What on Earth's all that about?
Peter: Well, actually, Alan its M.H.A.A.P. and it stands for Mental Health
Act Abolition Party.
[Alan laughs]
Alan: Hilareous. What do you get up to? What's all that about?
Peter: Well, we're campaigning against the lack of proper funding for mental
health care, and we want to draw attention to the need of those who are out on the
streets without proper medical aff…affairs.
Alan: Aff…affairs. Can't even speak properly. Anyway, some of them actually
running for parliament, some of the mental people I think, I take your point. It's
a fun issue though, isn't it? The whole, sort of, loonie, leftie, brigade. Is that,
presumably who you're trying to have a pop at.
Peter: No.
  
Alan: You're not, right. Ok, actually I shouldn't say… having said that pop
at the loonie left I've gotta… it's gotta be even handed here so I've gotta have
a quick pop at all the other parliamentary candidates here goes, just go through
them quickly. The Liberals, they've got loonies in them <?????>, that's not
fun. The Conservatives too have overstepped the mark on one, maybe two occasions,
at most. And The Referendum Party who insults aside they've probably got more integrity
than the whole of the other political parties put together.
[turns back to Peter who isn't fully concentrating]
Alan: Anyway, what crazy… look at me!... What crazy stunts have you got up
to?
Peter: Well, I haven't really done any stunts. I've been trying to draw attention
to local mental health issues.
Alan: Well, with respect, you're not. I mean, he's got a silly hat on. My
vote's with him… Errm, By the way my vote's not with him - I'm not endorsing
Marmite. I don't have a problem with it either, I'm just, I'm on the fence on that
one. I'm sorry carry on.
Peter: We felt that by having…
Alan: I'm on the Marmite fence!
Peter: We just thought that having a parliamentary candidate would be a good
way to publicize our cause.
Alan: Yeah but it costs you £500, you could have bought yourselves an electric
shock machine for that, or are they barbaric?
Peter: Take Schizophrenia…
Alan: Whoa, whoa, whoa. With the greatest respect, this is a light hearted
item. We really don't… I mean, at least Martin, I'm not going to say his second
name, Martin Yeast-extract. At least he has the decency to look the part, even though
he hasn't done anything wacky at all.
[Martin begins to lift his hat up and down]
 
Alan: If you're gonna do…
[turns to Martin]
Alan: That is feeble, really.
[turns back to Peter]
Alan: If you're gonna do…
[Martin tries to put his hat on Alan's head]
[Alan lunges at Martin]
ALAN: I'll Wipe your face! Let's not beat about the bush, people haven't
seen me on television for some time, and people are watching, wondering what's happened
to me. You know, at the end of the day you two go home, It's muggins here who gets
it in the neck from the BBC - British Broadcasting Cretins I call them. This is
going badly, I know that I have lost the battle to provide a sideways look at some
of the more comical characters in the election. You know, you've both, you've both
brought this down. You two are piss! Back to the studio. That's another thing I'm
going to get in trouble for: saying 'piss'.
Content © Chris Lambert 1998
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